Heart! Heart! Heart!

Heart! Heart! Heart!

In honor of the feast day of Saint Valentine I wish to do a little match-making among the spammers who regularly congregate in my e-mail junk file, obviously lonely and looking for love. Without checking to see if their virtual content is safe (the subject line is a tell-tale sign), it gives me pleasure to introduce DearLostRelative (just send your bank details) to NationDirect (100% No Win No Fee) for what promises to be a rock-solid partnership in plenty and in want.

NewsTribuneOffers (great discounts for subscribers), perhaps you could teach ADRIANNA (Hay Were R U?) to spell and become an avid reader of full-length articles in exchange for chair massages on demand; all those fifteen-minutes add up to a lifetime. Hearts@badlymanage.com, it’s not clear if you are a health, dating, or professional soccer club; perhaps you are trying too hard to find that special someone. From the list of presumed singles please meet LenoreWithM*re (wants to meet), as random coupling might do the trick. And while we’re on the subject of asterisk-crossed lovers, F**kBook (private invite), I’d like you to get to know Lutheran*Farmer*With*Wife (this is not a joke); after all, if poly-amorous relationships work for Biblical patriarchs and American politicians, who’s to judge?

I’ve noticed a few of you standing in line together for months now and have often wondered what a coffee date might lead to? OneHourLoans (in$tant ca$h), meet Ticketmiser (discount admissions), and someday you’ll be able to tell your children on ReUnite (family search) how you exchanged passwords on that memorable occasion. While opposites attract until the batteries go dead, common interests stay turned on; thus ShieldHeatSys (heating system), you have a bright future with FreeSolarInstall (home energy). MorePoliticalAction (elections USA!), you need to get a life, and so I envision for you the next-door-neighbor whom you’ve always looked down on but who in fact knows you better than you know yourself: CanadaPharmacy (socialist medicine to go). As you are both extroverted, spontaneous, and fun-loving types, LastWarning! (Ref #2957329874) and RecentPurchase (on-line shopping), there’s a table for two waiting for you (just send me your bank details).

MatchInfinity (on-line dating), you spend so much time and energy bringing lone souls together, it’s no surprise you’ve neglected your own romantic needs. Here are three prospects for you: RubenSandwichSex (Eat me!), JustinThyme (let’s meet), and DamianRuff (I like it!). Odds are at least one person staffing these websites is into serial monogamy, but you’ll have to be open about gender. FlyingHigh (trip discounts), as much as you seem destined for CutRateCruises (travel cheap), I suspect that SunShulPark (Please recommend candidates of $5,000 scholarships) will not be able to survive without you, but don’t forgo the pre-marital counseling when you get to that stage.

With Leap Day approaching, I strongly encourage GuidepostMagazine (trial subscriptions) to propose to ErectGo-NewP*nis (enlarger and enhancer); four years is a long time to wait, even given the power of prayer. And speaking of prayers getting answered, ChristianMenMeet, why not simply come out to each other on February 29? We’ll all be eternally grateful.