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Glasgow, Scotland
Words are formed by experiences, and words inform our experiences. Words also transform life and the world. I am a writer and Presbyterian minister who grew up in the 1960's in the segregated South of the United States. I've lived in Alaska, the Washington, DC area, and Minnesota. Since 2004 I've lived in Glasgow, Scotland, where I enjoy working on my second novel and serving churches that are between one thing and another. I advocate for the full inclusion of all people in the church and in society, whatever our genders or sexual orientations. Every body matters.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Story Engineering


Story Engineering

Early in my ministerial career I flew to a university town to interview for a job as church pastor, and the person on the search committee who picked me up at the airport happened to be a professor of soil engineering. Having a few civil engineers in my family but not having heard of soil engineering before, I asked this gentleman, “So, what does a soil engineer do?”

As only an engineering type can, he enlightened me with a simple, clear answer: “Everything on earth sits on soil.”

From that moment on I not only learned what soil engineering is but I also realized that everybody probably views their livelihood as having universal scope:

Garbage collectors spend their work days grasping trash cans and the fact that everyone on earth produces garbage.

The staff at the child care center next door must surely appreciate that all human beings start out as babies.

My neighbor who works as a builder knows that people need buildings and buildings need people to build or repair them.

Another neighbor, an avid gardener, is ever mindful of the seasons and the weather.

Teenagers operating with too many hormones and too little sense think that they’re the first generation in the whole history of humankind to discover sex and sarcasm.

Even phone scammers and internet trawlers, hedge fund managers, religious leaders and charity executives that have huge incomes, and authority figures who cover up each other’s abuses—they undoubtedly see the world as full of individuals who just sit next to their phones or computers waiting to be scammed, or want to invest in something that’s too good to be true, or are willing to contribute to a pack of lies, or could care less about justice.

The folks who run the local crematorium—they certainly understand everybody dies sometime.

Coming from a family of civil engineers I inherited a love for simple, clear answers. Even when it cost me personally. In high school I enjoyed math—truth be told I enjoyed every subject in school, except for physical education but that’s another blog article. My career in math began when I helped a classmate with her 8th grade algebra homework and she pointed out that I should be in this class too, rather than in the regular math class. So I went to the guidance counselor who switched me to Algebra I, after which came Geometry in the 9th grade and Algebra II in the 10th grade. I will always be grateful to my classmate for putting me on the path to more math because I needed it to go to college. But I noticed that as the math classes progressed, the number of students dwindled to about a dozen of us, and the female students boiled down to me in 11th grade Trigonometry and 12th grade Calculus.

Me—who was regularly serenaded by the guys in my math class with, “Lindsay Biddle looks like a fiddle, sharp at both ends and flat in the middle.”

Me—who the math teacher once asked in front of all the boys, “So, Lindsay, are you going to the prom?” And I had to answer aloud, “No,” because no one had asked me, and none of them ever did.

Me—who got teased when our teacher announced that our state math test scores had come. One of my fellow students said, snidely, “I bet Biddle got the highest score.” Among my classmates I did do the best, but it didn’t ease the pain of being set apart for ridicule.

And educators wonder why there aren’t more females in mathematics or the hard sciences.

Then one day in college, after my third semester of Calculus, math stopped being my career choice. I was still drawn to the challenge of understanding complex problems and figuring out solutions, but I needed them to involve more narrative than, say, X equals minus B plus or minus the square root of B square minus 4AC all over 2A.

I needed stories.

I found stories—inside and outside the classroom—to be way more visceral than mathematical proofs. Words come with more flesh than symbols, and sentences carry greater weight than equations. Stories get down to the illogical truths of reality and, in my experience, offer some meaning especially when things in life don’t add up.

Stories tell us lots—simply as well as subtly—about our selves: the selves who relay the stories, the selves who take in the stories, the selves who are characters in the stories, even the selves who are left out of the stories.

This makes me a story engineer: Everybody on earth has a story. And each person’s story is both telling and touching, whether they pick up trash or change diapers or have their diapers changed or tear things down or build things or plant seeds or harvest fruit or act out or lie-cheat-steal-abuse or remove metal pieces from our ashes. In the end, our stories are all that’s left of us.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Jet Vocab


Jet Vocab

Jet Ag refers to the production of the food served on a plane, such as a rectangular pasta dish, square mystery-meat, or round dessert.

Jet Bag is a passenger carrying way too much. A jet bag was overheard explaining to the flight attendant, “I’ve been on vacation for three weeks, and they weighed my suitcase and made me take all this stuff out and I don’t have anywhere else to put it.”

Jet Brag is a braying ass when it comes to flying. “Last week I flew first class because they were paying but this week I’m on my own so, what the hell, I’ll take business class.”

Jet Crag refers to a bottleneck of passengers, typically waiting to board a flight, and measured by the span of the crowd at their widest. “This jet crag goes all the way to the next gate.”

Jet Dag refers to a piece of fuzz, hair, or other remnant left behind by a previous passenger. “Gross! My seat pocket has jet dag.”

Jet Drag is a high-maintenance passenger, as in, “I ordered a Hindu meal, thinking it would be vegetarian, but it has meat so can I swap it for the pasta dish?”

Jet Flag refers to tiredness from traveling, similar to jet lag only not due to time change.

Jet Frag refers to tiredness from traveling due to intoxication.

Jet Gag is a strongly-odorous passenger, like the person we once sat next to who wore a tweed wool suit that smelled like every smoky bar it had ever been in.

Jet Hag is a passenger who haggles the airline staff, as in, “If this flight is full can I get bumped to a later flight—but only if you put me in first class, how about it?”

Jet Jag refers to traveling sideways in order to get to your ultimate destination sooner. “To get to the Twin Cities I jet jagged to Bloomington and bypassed O’Hare altogether.”

Jet Lag refers to tiredness from traveling due to time change.

Jet Mag refers to the free in-flight magazine containing critical information about what’s on the video or audio channels, plus puzzles.

Jet Nag is a negative-sounding passenger, as in, “Oh my gawd, we’re going to crash!”

Jet Prag is a passenger who is polite, responsible, and good-going. “Thank you.”

Jet Quag refers to a shut-down of air traffic, as in, “Superstorm Sandy caused jet quags all along the east coast of the United States as well as major terminals around the world.”

Jet Rag is a passenger who is rude, passive-aggressive, and grates on everybody’s nerves. “Puh-leeze!”

Jet Sag refers to sitting for a long time during a flight. “I’ve got jet flag from all my jet sag.”

Jet Shag refers to dancing in a plane lavatory with or without a partner.

Jet Slag is a passenger who disparages their shagging partner.

Jet Snag refers to an unexpected change in itinerary. “We had a jet snag when the incoming flight was late.”

Jet Stag is a passenger who brags about jet shagging.

Jet Swag refers to the curtain separating first class from the masses. “Think of it this way: everyone boarding a plane pays the same amount of money, only those of us behind the jet swag get refunded two-thirds of that amount when we exit the plane.”

Jet Tag is when two or more passengers meet up in an airport but travel on different flights coming or going. “We jet tagged in Newark with our friend from Baltimore.”

Jet Wag refers to the wiggling of a plane upon landing. “We’re not going to crash—it’s just a little jet wag.”

Jet Zag refers to traveling in the opposite direction of your ultimate destination, as in, “To get from Glasgow to the Twin Cities I had to jet zag to Amsterdam.”

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Annual Christmas Card Results


Annual Christmas Card Results

Christmas 2012 delivered 71 cards to our house, not including family photos and letters. Our Unitarian friends—a nice lesbian couple in Minnesota—sent a message of comfort and joy introducing both their newly-adopted son and their new family surname. They image the Holy Family in my book.

Secular cards (37) nosed ahead of religiously-themed cards (34). The secular category traverses the globe, from a penguin wearing a Santa hat (printed in China) to two cards with a polar bear momma and cub (one an Oxfam card made in China from 50% recycled material and the other printed in the USA on 100% recycled paper and manufactured entirely with Green-e certified wind-generated electricity). Traditional holiday greetings come adorned with Christmas decor (6), snowscapes (5), Santa Claus (4), decorated trees (3), teddy bears (2), cats and mice (“Merry Christmouse”), and things that are red (robins, candy canes, British post boxes, and a big nose). Meanwhile this year’s unique secular cards indicate things to come: “Seasons Growlings” from a friend who works at Pixar who told us their card always features the animation-studios’ next film (so look out for monsters coming soon to a theater near you), and “Scottish Parliament Dreams” from a Member of the Scottish Parliament who is a member of the Scottish National Party which is working to make the dream of Scotland’s independence a reality.

Among the religious cards, the most popular continue to be nativity scenes (24) of which 4 depict all-white Marys and Josephs en route and 9 portray manger scenes. One manger scene is a pageant of children of different races (Joseph is brown-skinned and Mary is a white red-head holding a teddy bear). Another manger scene is comprised entirely of animals including a kitten hovering over a straw-covered baby Jesus (with no warning of toxoplasmosis despite the card being designed for Cancer Research UK). The shepherds (4) equal the magi (2) and angels (2), and of those keeping watch over their flocks, 2 groups are African (thanks to Christian Aid and Traidcraft whose cardstock comes from responsible sources managed by the Forest Stewardship Council) and one is, realistically, Middle Eastern.

Three religious scenes are from works of art: “The Virgin Adoring the Sleeping Christ Child” (circa 1490) by Sandro Botticelli (1444/5-1510), in the Scottish National Gallery; “Cherubs and Angels” by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905), courtesy of The Bridgeman Art Library in New York; and “PresentatiĆ³n” by Jaime Dominguez Montes, a Mexican architect, artist, and director of Contemporary Religious Art which produces modern icons and portrayals of non-traditional saints such as Martin Luther King, Jr., and Harvey Milk.

16 cards shine with gold or silver and are mostly religious scenes or doves of peace. Of the dozen cards that have glitter on them one is a peace dove and the rest are secular—except for one card with a sparkling teddy bear posting a letter in a mailbox; it has been craftily transformed by the sender who crossed out the common greeting and handwrote, “Happy Birthday Lord Jesus.”

Messages of good will appear not just on the fronts or insides of cards. According to the small print on the back, 22 cards were purchased in support of charities: British Heart Foundation, Children’s Hospice Association Scotland, Church of Scotland Guild, Habitat for Humanity, Macmillan Cancer Support, Marie Curie Cancer Care, the National Trust for Scotland, St. Joseph’s Indian School in South Dakota, Save the Children, Woodland Trust, and World Cancer Research Fund, along with the other organizations mentioned.

One of the many peace cards we received shows a lighthouse based on artwork by Robert Fobear and is produced by the National Geographic Society; the back explains, “For more than three centuries, lighthouses in America have helped mariners safely navigate treacherous coastlines. Years ago, wintertime storms could isolate lighthouse keepers and their families for weeks at a time; now, almost every lighthouse in America is automated.”

A photo card of an ornament describes it as a “’Chrismon Star’ made by a woman in The Well Craft Group”; The Well is a Church of Scotland organization that provides information and advice for Asian women here in Glasgow.

And one card announces “A Gift Has Been Made in Your Honor!” The gift is one-half of a water buffalo—joined, I’m sure, with its other half—to help provide a sustainable source of food and income for a struggling family somewhere in the world, through Heifer International, a nonprofit humanitarian organization that works to end world hunger and protect the Earth.

 I am indeed honored.