Good Grief
When I visit a family to prepare for
their loved one’s funeral, I advise them: Take extra care of yourself because
you’re not all here. Part of you has died and gone with your loved one. So give
yourself extra time and space, eat healthy, drink water, exercise, and tell
people how they can be most helpful to you—just as you've helped them in the past.
Grief opens you to a myriad of
emotions, and the thing about emotions is that they just are. Emotions aren't
good or bad, right or wrong; they may feel comfortable or uncomfortable, and
you might wonder why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling, but don’t worry
about it. Feel your feelings, and do healthy things to express them: write
about them, play music, talk about them with someone you trust, cry, laugh,
scream into a pillow, whatever it takes.
Grief affects each of us differently.
There’s not too short or too long of a grief process; you move through grief at
your own pace. But you have to move through
your grief; you can’t go around it in an attempt to avoid it or else it will
manifest itself in illness or depression.
The funeral serves as a threshold through which
you step from the initial stage of shock and private grief to the stage of
publicly acknowledging your grief and receiving support from others. You have
to go through your own grief process, but you are not alone. Know that people
are thinking of you and holding you in prayer.
Over time you will develop a new relationship
with your loved one who has died. It will be different from the relationship
you had with them when they were living, and the new different relationship is
up to you. There may be things you want to say or express to your loved one;
feel free. But don’t be surprised—seriously—if you sense a response. Take signs
for what they are: signs. Every sign contains an element of truth, but not all
signs are pointed in the right direction.